My Dad has always had the “January blues” a little and that has led him to again believe he “should” quit the choirs. Yup, he used the word “should”.
So we talked. And talked. And talked some more. It was very interesting. He is of course completely aware that he is forgetting and that he is not as capable nor as “quick” as he once was. That bothers him a lot and yet the more we talked, he began to understand that he could accept it (at least somewhat) without submitting to it.
He has a need for me to accept it too but somehow he has equated acceptance (for both him and me) as a sure and steady roll down the hill to the end with nothing left that’s truly “him” anymore. He feels like he needs to simply accept the inevitable instead of stepping away from it a little and assessing it.
It’s very hard for him to simply accept that as we all decline, we are not who we once were. Change is inevitable. My father is not keen on change. Maybe that’s where I get that from! But he’s also suffering from dementia so change is exceptionally hard. It’s amazing that he and I can even talk about it. And yes, he does see the need for it.
Of course, he also believes that all the shows are happening next week….each week….and that makes him feel completely unprepared of course. It doesn’t help that the choirs are learning everything so quickly! HAH
My Dad did wonderful shows in Nov with Forte Plus and in Dec with So Noted and not just enjoyed doing them but since then, he’s been amazing. Until recently. So why? Yes, yes I know the brain is mysterious but I think his emotions are getting in the way. Well I suppose they do that to all of us. In this case, I brought this on without thinking….more on that in a bit….
So when you have to overcome both emotion and memory loss, what then? It’s intensely difficult -that’s what! With memory loss comes loss of self identity. No way around it. And with that comes depression. No way around it. But the depression doesn’t last. Neither do the happy cycles of course…darn…for any of us.
He strongly believes he has “gone downhill” in the past 7 weeks since the Amazing Race shows. My husband and I saw the opposite. And that’s what makes me fully believe that this is related to his emotional state.
I’m pretty sure I caused this by asking him to help me record 3 songs for Forte Plus. He was keen to do it and I thought it would be fun to do it with him again. And then he attempted going over the songs on his own and couldn’t quite muddle through any of them without me. He felt very deflated. He felt sad. He felt like he was no longer himself.
We talked a lot about his feelings regarding his long and deep association with music. And the outcome here is that he is willing to come to a few more rehearsals and keep trying. How interesting is that? I think I’m becoming a better amateur counsellor or at the very least, I’m learning to really listen and think before I speak.
He was initially worried about what people will think of him and I assured him that a) he’s not the only one with memory issues and b) people in the choir love him and accept him and c) must we care so deeply about what others think when we know we would accept others for who they are? He understood all of this and even agreed to let me speak about his issues in front of the choir if I feel it comes to that. He also quickly came to the conclusion that everyone would be kind and decent and that he would have done the same for someone else. Nice.
He told me that he trusts me completely. What an overwhelming feeling for me. Twofold actually. I am filled with joy that he trusts me. I am filled with worry that I have this responsibility. My throat is tight.
We all operate on an emotional roller coaster to some extent, but for Dad now it is simply more pronounced. He and I just have to hang on for the ride together and I have to watch out for obstacles that really don’t need to be put in his way.