I’ve started wishing lately that I could selfishly have just one nothing-goes-wrong-day. Just one day when I don’t have to help my Dad fix things or smooth things over or point in the right direction or make things happier/better or explain or remind or stay on top of everything or add yet another appointment to the list, etc etc etc.
I know how this sounds. I am selfish. I understand that and it doesn’t sit well with me. It’s unbecoming. It’s wrong.
I’m keenly aware that there is much good and much joy in my life thanks to many many people and my own family. I’m keenly aware that every single day I have a lot to be grateful for, both large and small. There is laughter, there is joy, there is happiness…..and yet…..
Why does everyday include at least one small curve ball? Why can’t just one day be completely easy peasy and totally free of any problems?
Don’t worry. I’m not blaming my Dad. I think I just want a break from my Dad’s dementia. Even if just for a little while. There I said it.
Maybe he needs a break from me sometimes too. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised! I’m constantly dictating everything and deciding everything for him. I also know that if I don’t look after everything for him, he won’t because he can’t. I am the double edged sword in his life. The daughter he loves who tells him what to do all the time.
I feel very responsible for his happiness. And I feel it a lot.
It’s silly to wish for just one perfect carefree and stress free day. I know that. And yet….I wish….
