Do I put my Dad on the wait list (up to a year) in order to move him to a care facility? It will take up to a year….yes, you read that correctly.
He keeps wanting to walk without his walker OR his cane. That’s troubling. He keeps skipping his breakfast. That’s troubling. He wants to ride his bike which means we have to either come with him (or his helper has to come with him) and we have to keep convincing him to wear a helmut since he doesn’t see why a helmut is necessary. That’s troubling.
I feel so insanely and constantly responsible for his happiness that I’ve failed to see that I’m causing myself unhappiness by stressing over his. That’s troubling.
I’d like to think that I can change me. Maybe I can relax and not try so hard to make him engage and smile and truly “be with us”. Maybe I can find a way to simply sit back and let nature take its course. Oh who am I kidding? There’s almost no way for me to do that.
But I do still believe that despite my Dad’s dementia, he actually has more of a chance at changing than I do. I know how this sounds. I am not stupid nor am I willfully naive and yet, I actually think he has a shot at this. He’s shown great capacity for change especially as an older person and even with his dementia.
My husband and I always went with a “talk first” approach when we were raising our daughter. Talk, negotiate, figure it out together. Remain calm, try not to judge, don’t assume that your assumed approach or desired outcome is the best for everyone. hmmm…. While we were by no means perfect at this with our daughter, maybe I just need to attempt this with my Dad.
But how do I hide his dementia from him if I do this? If I talk about it too much, he becomes despondent. I crush any chance at him experiencing joy. He still believes that he’s fine and is just a bit forgetful. He doesn’t understand why my brother is coming to “stay with him” next week so we can go to Victoria for 4 nights without him. He believes he’s totally fine on his own. I’ve sold it of course as my brother simply wanting to come see him and it happens to overlap with our trip.
We will take my Dad to Victoria in June for 1 week (our girls are coming too!) and to Canmore in July for 2 weeks. My brother is coming again (with his partner this time) to spend a full week with my Dad so we can spend a full week in the mountains by ourselves. Amazing.
But all of this doesn’t make my decision any easier. I think I need to put him on the wait list. Or more specifically, I might need my husband to put my Dad on the wait list since I’m not sure I can do it. I’m already the person who has to say “no” to him all the time. I’m the person who takes away his happiness and curtails his joy. I don’t think I can be the person to kick him out of his home.
Here’s the post script……since chatting with him, a LOT has changed and remained that way. Um, what?!?! He is now making breakfast regularly, using his walker regularly and engaging with us rather than withdrawing. (we’ve slightly hidden the bicycles or at least made it tough for him to get one out by himself) So there’s that….
