me, my dad and dementia – formality vs. informality

My father is actually a very formal man.  And I am a very informal gal.  It’s amazing to me that we don’t cross swords.  But, for the most part we don’t.  We’ve figured out mutual respect I think.  Or at least that’s what I would like to believe.  I hope I strive for it but I know I don’t always get there.

Once in a while, my Dad’s dementia wanders in and his respect wanders out but whenever he believes for even a second that he has hurt me, he feels very badly.  He remembers his emotions even the next day.  Interesting.

We bring his dinner to him every night (or he comes to eat with us on our side of the house) and he enjoys the food very much.  The other day, I received a handwritten note which was quite formal and yet filled with love.  It read in part:

“Dear Criselda, I enjoy your cooking very much.  Every single meal is always delicious.  Thank you.  from your father”  

Pretty formal huh?  The “from your father” part is the part that makes me smile….who else would be writing me a note like that?  cute.

My notes to him on his white board are a lot less formal.  I draw hearts or smiley faces.  I use contractions, abbreviations and acronyms.  And when I speak, I use words like “shmeh” or “gah” or “ooh”.  Not my father’s style.  He uses language carefully and doles it out sparingly.

It has taken me until very recently to realize that his formality extends to how he expresses (or doesn’t) his love.  Part of who he is expects that other people have listened to him and that he does not need to repeat himself in order to be understood.  Part of him also expects that people around him understand that he loves and appreciates them and that he doesn’t need to reiterate his feelings as a result.  

But he’s coming around to a more full way of expressing himself at the age of 87!  When we now say goodnight to him with a “we love you, have a good sleep” he now often responds with a “I love you too”.  

My Dad wanted me to be a critical thinker.  My parents both had no problem communicating their judgements of the world and people around them and encouraged me to do the same.   Good?  Bad?  Maybe neither.  You are raised by your parents and you learn what they know and what they don’t know but in the end, you must free yourself from your parents and make your own choices including choosing your own words and feelings.

I want to challenge myself to express gratitude, appreciation and love more often.  To use my words to say these feelings out loud to people around me.  I want to learn what to do and what not to do from my father’s example.  

Perhaps my father with all his formality, allowed me in the end to break free from his formality while using it as a lens to view myself and the world around me.  Nope.  Too many words, not enough sense-i-cal-ness.  HAH!  Perhaps, he continues to simply teach me about love, mutual respect and simple appreciation for others.